Sotoba Humor
by xstrike00
Summary: Natsuno is a hipster, Tatsumi has swag, and Nao has an unfortunate obsession with pocketless jeans and loafers. A series of cracky oneshots about the Shiki characters and their interactions throughout the plot. Hilarity ensues.


**OKAY, welcome to my story guys! Before I start, I wanna make clear some things.**

** First of all, this is a humor fic. Of course I want the material to fit with the canon plotline as much as possible, but I can't always manage that sometimes. If I get major plot points wrong, please point them out to me, and I will change them. But obviously, as with all fanfics, some things will be changed.**

**Also, I haven't written in a while, so this chapter will be pretty sloppy, but I promise I'll get better as I continue adding material.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Shiki or any other franchises I may mention.**

* * *

**Nao and Megumi Go Shopping**

The night was clear and the moon was shining, casting an eerie glow onto the forest below. The pine trees were eerie shadows around the small, sleeping village, threatening to swallow it up along with its inhabitants.

Deep within the forest, something was stirring. A thin silhouette was creeping along the forest floor, its steps making no sound on the soft coating of pine needles. Pale white skin glowed eerily in the moonlight, in stark contrast to long, black hair that hid the silhouette's face from view.

"It is finally night-time, and I have awakened!" Nao Yasumori rasped, her voice as cold and heartless as a tomb. "Which unlucky human will I choose to be my food tonight, and satisfy my desires for their life-blood?"

She crept forward until the pine trees gave way to the houses of Sotoba. Not a single light was on, for it was the darkest time of night when nothing, save the unholy, stirred.

She silently moved among the houses, carefully surveying each and picking her prey. Her sights finally fell on a tall, slim figure moving around. A soft breeze which carried scent told her that the figure was human, filled with delicious blood.

Nao's eyes glowed red with bloodlust and she stalked forward until she stood right behind the man. She placed one cold hand on his shoulder. He turned around, and instantly became hypnotized by the Shiki before him.

"You will not speak of this," Nao rasped, barely containing her hunger. "You will not regret this either. For although you will die, within less than a week you may rise from your grave to join our ranks in making a utopia for our kind here in the mountains. I will now bite you, feeble human, and you will like it."

She parted her lips wider, baring her startling white fangs. She closed her eyes, anticipating the rich meal she was about to get—

"Damn, you're ugly."

She froze, and her eyes flew open, the red glow dimming.

"What did you say?" she whined.

"Yeah," the human man put his hand on his hip and sniffed. "You heard me. I know you're like a vampire, but you have to be like really beautiful to bite me. I mean, if I'm going to become a night predator, might as well do it in the arms of a hot bloodsucker babe, not a suburban mom like you."

Nao snapped her fingers in his face with passion. "You did NOT just say that! I am not a suburban mom, I am a really hot bloodsucker babe. Though I was married and had a kid, I still have a pretty tight bod."

"Yeah, but you gotta flaunt what you got, lady. I mean, you can't just wear pocketless jeans with a polo and loafers. Who picked out your clothes, your grandma?"

"My jeans are gorgeous!"

"Bitch please, they make that ass look like a pile of clay."

Nao gaped at him, speechless. "You're not supposed to say that to a woman. Does the word 'chivalry' mean anything to you?"

"Whatevs," declared the man. "I said that I would not mind becoming an immortal creature of the night if the one who turned me into one was a hot bloodsucker babe. Now, since you are neither, I will not accept any less."

Nao's mouth dropped open. "Chivalry," she repeated.

He frowned. "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."

"I use whatever words I want, turd crumpet. And like it or not, I'm hungry and I'm going to take your blood now." Her grip on his shoulder tightened.

"Don't you think that'd be a little like rape?" he protested. "I mean, taking someone's blood is really intimate. Like, it turns me on but not if it's against my will. You know what I mean? Now lady, you don't look like a rapist to me."

Nao looked down, ashamed. "Rape is the worst crime. Even us Shikis are above that. I mean, we have mind control powers and junk, and I'm sure viewers have wondered before if we use them for things other than getting into people's houses. Perverts. But we really haven't."

"So do we have a deal?"

"...?"

"See, I think it's like really hot that you wanna take my blood. But I don't think YOU'RE hot enough for my blood. So come back once you look like a proper MILF, and then we'll talk."

Nao nodded thoughtfully. "That sounds reasonable." She turned around to creep back into the woods.

"Hey, loafer girl?"

"Yeah?"

"Do something about that haircut. Like damn, it looks like an otter died on your head."

* * *

"And that's how it happened," Nao finished retelling the account of what had happened a few hours ago to her BFF Megumi.

"That sucks," said Megumi. "But your fashion style is kinda ugly. I mean, remember how you always wonder why I refuse to sit next to you during Tatsumi's History of Shiki lectures? Now you know."

"Huh?"

"Come on!" she yelped. "How can a babe like me," she gestured to her gorgeous outfit—which was a cool looking leather corset thing with a hot pink ruffled tutu and striped black and white tights tucked into patent leather black army boots BTW—"hang out with a slob like you? That ass looks like a pile of clay."

Nao hung her head. "You're right. I've really let myself go. All those fatty white blood cells and no exercise? It ain't good for the figure."

"Nah, it only means you got curves, girl. With my guidance, I bet I could totally teach you how to flaunt that bod. It's a pretty nice bod," Megumi waggled her eyebrows.

"Could you really, Megumi?"

"Yes, Nao."

"Now, Megumi?"

"Yes...let's go shopping."

* * *

A few hours later, the two female Shikis stood on the curb of a brightly-lit street, with lots of cars and neon lights and basically in the middle of a big city. It was crowded, so they blended in fine with the other pedestrians.

They stood in front of a sleek black sedan, at the wheel of which was Seishirou Kirishiki. "Girls, remember—back in the car by 4. So you have a few hours to go shopping. My windows are tinted, but not tinted enough to stop your skinny butts from getting fried by the sunrise on the way home. At least YOUR skinny butt, Megumi. Nao, I don't even want to imagine YOUR butt."

"Got it, Seishirou!" Megumi did a peace sign at him, signaling that everything was A-okay.

"Are you sure you got everything you need? Money, snacks..."

"Yes, sir."

"Even some guns in case of an uprising against the undead?"

"Of course!"

Seishirou gave the girls a happy thumbs-up. "Atta girls! All grown up! Go have fun now, sweet babies." He drove away.

"Does he still think of all the Shiki as his children?" Megumi asked. "Because that's really pathetic. And creepy. I mean, yesterday I saw him calling that unnamed Shiki granny 'child' and patting her on the head."

"Wouldn't it really be more like grandchildren? Because if Sunako's his kid, and then all the Shikis are really her kids, then wouldn't that make more sense?" Nao inquired.

"Who knows? I think it has something to do with the fact that he's hopelessly in love with Chizuru and they can't have kids because she doesn't return his feelings and even if she did her ovaries are like, frozen so she can't be fertilized."

"Hey, whatever floats his boat," Nao shrugged. "Let's shop."

* * *

"Nao, seriously how long does it take to put on a corset?" Megumi called into the fitting room.

"Well, I don't have lots of practice unlike you, you Goth bitch," Nao sassed.

Megumi nodded in understanding. She knew not everyone was as fashion-savvy and stylish as herself.

"Okay, I'm coming out," Nao announced. She stepped from behind the purple velvet fitting curtain and spread her arms so that her outfit could be seen well from all sides.

"It fits, but I'm not really used to it," she said. "I do think it looks good though. Do you think I could wear this when I go out, but then change into my loafers when I get home? I kinda miss them. What do you think, Megumi?"

Megumi didn't reply, but collapsed into her seat, sobbing cold Shiki tears.

"Nao," she whispered...

"YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL!" she sprang forward and hugged her vamp BFF with all her might, even bruising her a little but that faded fast because of her super healing factor.

Nao looked down, blushing.

She was dressed in a dark purple halter dress with a black lace skirt part and fishnet tights with bright pink stilettoes.

"All right, now that you look awesome, all that's left is to do your hair," said Megumi. "Let's see if we can tame that dead otter on your head."

"Is it really that bad?"

"Haven't you ever wondered why you always wake up with feathers in your hair, Nao-chan? It's because birds mistake it for a nest and mate in your hair all night long."

* * *

"My girl's all grown up now!" Seishirou said brightly from behind the wheel of the car.

In the back seat, Megumi was Tweeting and Nao was checking herself out in the mirror. Her previously nappy dark curtain of hair was now sleek and shiny, and pulled back into an elegant bun.

"Oh my unholy gods," she said. "I am getting some blood tonight."

"You look like such a bombshell, Nao," encouraged Megumi. "I think you could get blood from any guy you want. All you have to do is let them know you're available."

"You're right, I'll post it on Twitter!" Nao exclaimed, and proceeded to pull out her phone and take a selfie. She was about to post it to Twitter when Megumi let out an anguished howl and snatched it away from her.

"What are you doing?" she snarked, glaring at her with furious red eyes. "You can't just post it on Twitter like this. You have to apply an Instagram filter first, and edit on an inspirational quote at the bottom in Helvetica font. Only then will your beauty bee appreciated."

"Are you sure?"

Megumi rolled her eyes. "Positive. Men are totally into hipster babes. Seriously, Nao, where have you been the past few months?"

"Buried underground in a coffin," Nao replied.

* * *

Nao crept up the stairs to the man's house. As with all Shiki, she couldn't really enter a house without an invitation, but there was a Welcome mat by the door so she decided that that counted as one.

Anyway, her heels made soft clicks on the wooden stairs, a chilling sound that promised death for the inhabitants.

"Who's there?" a familiar voice called. Nao froze for a split second.

"It is I," she growled in a hoarse voice, dragging her foot across the step in a menacing way. "I have come to rob you of your life and invite you to join the ranks of the undead in—AAH!"

Her sentence ended in a scream as her heels caught in a crack in the floor, and she fell forward onto her face. She struggled to get up, but her dress caught on a nail in the wall, causing a two-minute struggle. In the struggle, her bun became undone, and her hair fell forward to cover her face as it always did, and her fishnet tights slid off somehow too.

Finally, when she staggered into the man's room, she was stark naked. The gorgeous hairstyle was gone, the Goth clothes were gone, the shoes were gone, and she gazed in horror as the man's mouth dropped open. Her stomach rumbled painfully.

Slowly, the man's mouth twisted into a smile. "Aw yeah," he exclaimed, "now that's what I'm talking about!"

"You like it?" Nao asked in astonishment.

"Hell yeah I like it! Get over here baby!"

"I'm going to eat!"

"Suck my blood, gorgeous!"

"Oh, yeah!" Nao's eyes flashed red in bloodlust and she leaped forward.

* * *

Meanwhile, a few meters away, a lone figure sat perched on a rooftop, with binoculars looking into the window of the MILF-loving villager's house.

"Aw, she really is growing up," Seishirou said, wiping away a tear. Then suddenly, his chin squared in determination. "I'll have to have THE TALK with her soon."

* * *

**LOL yeah. It's not the most clever thing, but tell me what y'all think! I appreciate any support or advice I get. For those of you who managed to actually finish this piece of crack, thanks for reading.**

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**~*NEXT CHAPTER PREVIEW*~**

_Sunako Has a Talk with Tatsumi About His Clothing Choices_

_"And last of all, I just can't stand those sunglasses. It's understandable if you wear them during the day but-"_

_"With all due respect, Master," Tatsumi piped up, "I need SOMETHING to prove my swag."_

_"GAH!" Sunkao threw her hands up in the air in exasperation. "You're my faithful jinrou servant who does all my dirty work and is eternally loyal to my cause. YOU ARE NOT GHETTO!"_


End file.
